The Batman (2022)

The Batman is BACK and this time he’s a hot emo guy with major emotional turmoil. The Riddler is hellbent on exposing and destroying corrupt politicians in Gotham City and also Catwoman is there.

• Directed by Matt Reeves (creator of Felicity?)

• Written by Matt Reeves & Peter Craig

• Starring Robert Pattinson, Zoë Kravitz, Paul Dano, Colin Farrell, Jeffery Wright

• Costumes by David Crossman & Glyn Dillon (Batsuit), Jacqueline Durran

I should preface that I swear I paid attention the entire time. I didn’t fall asleep which I’m sure some of you are expecting due to my tumultuous history with the superhero genre. In fact, I like the Gotham City girls the most out of any superhero realm; I could talk forever about how much I loved Birds of Prey and continue to listen to that soundtrack all the damn time. However, superhero movies should be banned from exceeding 2 hours. This movie is THREE. HOURS. LONG. I could feel my body creeping incrementally toward the crypt watching R Patts whisper gruffly in the rain. I’m just very tired of this tone of superhero movie. Either lean harder into noir (where is the glamour) or make something goofy for the girlies. Is it illegal to make a campy Batman movie post 2010?? Also, Paul Dano really fit the role as a greasy-haired QAnon guy who definitely doesn’t wear deodorant.

The costumes were fine. I have no thoughts on the Batsuit. Catwoman’s outfit could’ve been more detailed, but also the movie was so grey and dark that it was impossible to see anything. The Riddler’s outfit was creepy I guess. Nothing really stood out to me that much and that’s a problem. The Gotham City misfits have some of the most fun costumes, but god forbid they give us anything fun to look at for THREE. HOURS. Batman is emo? Okay, then give that man a checkered Hot Topic belt!! Something!!! Shoutout to that shake’n’go Party City wig they plopped on Zoë Kravitz head when she had to go “undercover.” I don't want to blame the costume designers at all, so I'm blaming Warner Brothers. Or maybe Matt Reeves.

Trivia!

• When he tried on the cucu crazy Penguin makeup for the first time, Colin Farrell went into Starbucks in full prosthetics and nobody recognized him. He also wore a fatsuit. (Can we ban fatsuits now?? It's giving Jared Leto in Gucci.)

• Robert Pattinson improvised the line “I’m vengeance.” (sure)

• Paul Dano dropped out of The Power of the Dog to be in this movie and was recast with Jesse Plemons.

• Ana de Armas, Nathalie Emmanuel, and Zazie Beetz were considered to play Catwoman. I would…. like to see it.

Recommend?

Sigh.... If you like superhero movies then sure. I'm very glad I waited to see The Batman from the comfort of my apartment where I could get up and stretch my legs.